I lost all my confidence in my first job. This is how I’ve corrected every day since.

Melissa Blum is the CEO & Founder of M.T. Deco.

Owning my quirks and feeling confident in myself is something I have to work at every single day. I realized it was going to be an ongoing issue shortly after I joined the NBC Page Program out of college.  If you aren’t familiar, the Page Program is an entry-level program that started at NBC Universal in 1933. It gives employees early in their career a well-rounded experience, from running NBC Studio tours in Rockefeller Center and Universal City to 10-12 week internships at business units that range from the TODAY Show to the Olympics, Saturday Night Live to CNBC. It has some very famous alumni like Regis Philbin, Michael Eisner and Ted Koppel. It sounds cool, it is cool, it’s also incredibly competitive just to get into the program, but to also land the rotational internships. Looking back I was so naive. I thought once I got in the door, I was there and I had made it. Little did I know it was just the beginning.

Getting my bearings was hard. Learning email etiquette, Outlook, setting up meetings, managing up, operating a Blackberry, navigating Rockefeller Center [new employees should get a map!] all of it was a learning curve and that left me dizzy.  Adjusting to work culture was also a challenge. Up until then, I determined success by my grades. I believed that if  I was an A student,  I would get into a good college, I’d get a great job and live happily ever after. 

But in happily ever after, I learned two very difficult lessons. First, everyone at NBC was an “A student,” otherwise they wouldn’t even be there. Second, what determines your success is who you know and how other people perceive you. That was mind-blowing. To think that my friends in the program, who I was interviewing against for the internships and jobs at NBC, could have an impact on my success was tough to swallow. I wondered, “Are we actually friends or frenemies?” “Are we competitors?” “How come they didn’t tell me they made it to the second round of interviews?” “Should I tell them I got the offer?”. Even everyday tasks like riding the elevator became opportunities for stress. Was that casual elevator encounter with an executive a missed opportunity to sell myself and network [ugh networking]?! It was overwhelming and I was intimidated.

Before that, the only person who had an impact on my GPA, my biggest indicator of success, was me. But then suddenly the people I chose to connect with and my quirks - babbling, loud talking, awkwardness with small talk - really could impact the jobs that I got, and ultimately the trajectory I set myself on. A missed step literally meant the difference between establishing myself at NBC News or at Bravo. 

For an anxious perfectionist with a propensity to plan out my life in 10-year increments, the environment was basically a f*cked up Hunger Games boot camp that I eventually got the hang of, but not without a lot of ups and downs. I constantly suffered from imposter syndrome and wore my insecurities on my sleeves [or at least felt like I did]. I was living the opposite of my best self; I was and still am terrible at ‘faking it until I make it.’ I messed up relationships that I wish I had maintained had I not been such an insecure mess. Internal politicking, and regularly working on relationships, are classes I would have certainly failed at in school.

So how did I fix it? I still work on overcoming my insecurities every single day.

I have to admit that no matter how much I achieve, how many new clients I onboard, or how much money I make, these same insecurities creep in ALL THE TIME and affect how I present myself. With the benefit of 12 years of experience before I ventured out on my own, I know myself better in a professional capacity now.  I build in time to practice presentations many times before meeting with clients -- so I feel confident in my pitch and keep my babbling to a minimum. I research clients in the middle of the night when my anxiety has me up, so that I feel prepared to handle a new introduction or brainstorm. I practice pitching to my husband or mentors before I put myself out there. And, I write in my Five Minute Journal to reassure myself that I AM capable. 

With age and experience also comes a confidence in knowing that the things I used to desperately want to erase, are things I wear with pride now. I still talk a lot on calls, I get really excited when we do brainstorms and I get obsessive about client goals. I’m still awkward with small talk and most of the time when I critique my performance, I know I should have been more concise, spoken more slowly and with intention. But that is still who I am and thankfully most of my clients can sense that the passion and quality of my work are far more valuable than my babble. 

The most important thing is that I don’t stress about it like I used to. It’s cool, I’ll give myself constructive criticism, acknowledge what worked, what could be stronger and keep moving. I often remind myself of my years of experience and that no matter what situation I end up in, I’ve survived and I’m still here pushing forward.