What our founder wants you to know about her pursuit of balance

Over the past three years, I’ve come to accept that I’ll never achieve balance. When I was living the corporate grind lifestyle, I had this glorified image of living in a contented state of “balance.” For me, that meant I would have complete control over my days; I could workout whenever I wanted, go to all the midday toddler times, be super present, make my own celery juice, cook homemade meals, work remotely from Paris, decide when I would run meetings, etc. 

But -- shocker --  that wasn’t what the following years had in store.

Six months into being my own boss, we were living in Dumbo, Brooklyn, and every morning I’d take my son Wally out in his stroller to cruise around looking at garbage trucks and boats. We’d stop at a walk-up counter for my coffee with oat milk, he’d get a croissant with his baba, and we’d be off. I’d stop on one of the park benches for a bit so we could check out the photographers lined up to shoot pictures of NYC, and I’d breathe in the fresh air thinking I was so damn grateful to be there and also pregnant with our daughter.

Sounds great right? And it was, especially because I knew I manifested this reality from the commuter slog and subway life of my 20s. But the truth is that it was only “balanced” on the outside. In my head, I literally could not relax. Instead, I’d be thinking about networking to grow my business, the money I wasn’t making yet, what my former colleagues were thinking of me, you name it.

Ever since high school I’ve had to deal with intense anxiety. The anxiety keeps me up at night, it makes me sweat [not kidding, I have hypohidrosis] and the absolute worst part is that it creeps in and ruins good moments in my life. I had a minor anxiety attack about money while on our honeymoon in South Africa at the most gorgeous spa hotel, while my new husband begged me to calm down. I still regret that.

When you are unhappy, it becomes easy to place blame. When I worked at NBC and CNN, if I was feeling out of shape, it was because my workload was so big I didn’t have time to workout. If I didn’t sleep from anxiety, it was because my boss was being a jerk. If I was in a bad mood, it was because of some interaction at work. I started to create this alternate reality where if I could extract myself from my job, all of my problems would be solved.

Unsurprisingly, time-management challenges, anxiety, and mood swings followed me once I was out on my own. The pros and cons of having a job versus owning my own business also became much clearer. I quickly learned that no matter what you do for work, you need some sort of routine or structure. When you work for someone else, they set those guardrails for you. And as long as you do the job within their set of expectations, you’ll get your paycheck, which can be comforting.

In comparison, if you run your own business, setting that structure is on you and it takes serious discipline to establish. You also learn that if your work involves people who work in corporate settings, as many of our M.T. Deco clients do, you have to be accommodating to them, which often means that - surprise surprise - you’re still beholden to those corporate rules.

I also began to understand that any kind of balance I’d get on the outside needed to start on the inside. Yes, routines, quality time with my kids, travel, etc. are major components, but so much of what I now work at every day is about establishing balance on the inside. My daily journal, meditation, puttering around my yard barefoot, optimizing rest [I have so many tips on this here] are all routines aimed at tamping my inner anxiety and allowing me to feel on the inside what I want to show on the outside. 

Balance for me has become a practice, similar to yoga, rather than a definitive state. This gives my perfectionist, type-A self a little reprieve. I actually like knowing I probably won’t hit some nirvana state of mind, but that through self-care, routines, getting help, and setting boundaries [I’m still learning how to say no]  I’m able to incrementally build my company and perform at much higher levels than I ever expected.

Also, if there is anything to take away from my experience it’s that putting more stringent expectations on yourself doesn’t help. Much of the work in seeking balance, which I hope all of you begin to prioritize if you don’t already, is rooted in self-awareness, knowing your “why,” and then organizing your life so that everything you do move you toward it.

And yes, many people say they are living a balanced life, which I discovered in an Instagram poll [still shocked how many of you are - teach me your ways!], but I would argue that it likely ebbs and flows as sh*t happens in life, both good and bad. It’s those routines you create for yourself in the good times that will help keep you afloat and steady in the tough times. Take comfort in knowing that we’re all works in progress [or at the very least, I 100% am right alongside you!].