She left her job to focus on being a mom. Here’s what she’d tell her younger self.
The other morning on the drive to school, my 11-year-old daughter Blaine asked me if we were going to war. She hadn’t slept well the night before and clearly she had a lot on her mind. Just when you think 2022 is going to get better, parenthood throws you another curveball. How do you even answer that question and explain what’s happening with Russia and Ukraine and the US to a little kid? As usual, I gave her my best direct answer “No one really knows yet, honey” and then turned up the music. Later that day of course I thought of better ways to answer and explain things to her but at the moment I just didn’t know the right thing to say. That’s the thing about motherhood, you’re always being surprised and caught off guard, just hoping you are not screwing up your kids. Especially over the past two years which, in my opinion, has been the hardest two years of parenting in modern history.
If you had told me back in 2008 when I had my first baby that I would be having these types of difficult conversations with my kids, I never would have believed it. At that time, the difficult conversation was mostly with myself, as I agonized over whether to stay in the corporate world or spend more time with my baby boy, Charlie (who is now 13). I was working as an Executive Producer at Fox News, and my maternity leave was ending. I had always wanted to be a mother, and my path to motherhood wasn’t smooth. Fortunately, my boss at the time was so kind and forgiving and encouraging of that decision to stay home and raise Charlie. He told me "you are making the best decision you will ever make," and he told me I could always come back to work if I wanted to in the future. Overall, his kindness that day made me realize I truly was making the best decision for me and my family, and I never looked back.
Now that I have had the job title of "MOM" for 14+ years, one big thing I have learned along the way is that being a perfect parent does not exist. As moms, we are constantly beating ourselves up. We are our worst critics. We are always questioning ourselves and our decisions. Am I good enough? Am I a good mom? We are often second guessing our decisions and then asking ourselves: am I messing up my kids? Do I even know what I'm doing?
I do believe that we as mothers need to give ourselves grace and patience and a hug (how do you hug yourself? LOL) for doing so much every single day. I have had to forgive myself for the many mistakes I have made (and continue to make daily) along the way when raising both Charlie and his sister, Blaine. Forgiving yourself for being less than perfect as a mom means you are real, you are self aware, and you are enough. There is just so much negative self-talk, and I’m here to say: we need to stop it. There is so much comparison. “Why can't I be more like that mom?” Remember: perfect parents do not exist. Our kids just want us. In any way, shape or form. With all of our imperfections, they want us. Even at our messiest, they just want us.
You will never do it all, and get everything right. But you showed up and that's enough. So if you’re deep in the trenches right now, I want to share with you some advice I wish someone had told me.
12 things I wish I had known when I started mom life
Make mom friends. Seriously. You will need them to get through each phase of mommyhood. Try to make mom friends with older kids, too, because they are blazing the trail for you and they can offer you a glimpse into what's coming next for you. They have been in the trenches before you so they can alert you to the land mines ahead
Be a cheerleader. For your kids, but also for your fellow mamas. Support other moms, in all their forms – working moms, single moms, stay at home moms, all moms. We need to encourage one another. Remember – a rising tide lifts all boats. #BetterTogether
Ask for help. You need to advocate for what you need as a mom, even if that means asking someone to watch your baby for an hour so you can nap or take a shower. There’s no shame in this.
Build your community. Join a mom group, a new workout class, a music class for kids, anything! Find your people. I started a moms’ ice hockey team -- the power of community is a game changer.
Start therapy if you need it. I was ashamed when my father passed away and I had two babies at home and my OBGYN asked me if I had considered therapy. I should have listened. Now, I know better! Therapy is a gift, not something to be ashamed of. Normalize therapy for your kids, too, in case they need it.
Host a playdate. Even if you think your house is too small or too messy. Believe me, NO ONE CARES! I used to be too embarrassed to have friends over when we had a really small house. Now I know better.
Snuggle with your kids. Bedtime is a great time to get them to talk to you – the lights are out, it’s quiet, it allows them to talk without the pressure of you staring at them. It’s the best way to get them to tell you what’s really going on.
Drive your kids places. Same idea as bedtime snuggles. In the car, they're strapped in – they can’t go anywhere! And they don’t have to look at you to talk. Ask them questions, they are more likely to answer them.
Don’t fret about potty training. I know this can be a huge cause of stress but every kid learns to use the potty eventually. Don’t overthink this one, and don’t get yourself too stressed.
Document everything. Take tons of pictures and videos. Someday you will miss hearing their little voices so the video helps so much!
Say “I love you.” Tell your kids that you love them as much as you possibly can. Make sure they always feel loved and supported.
Encourage your kids to try new things. Maybe that means you also need to try new things to inspire them. The earlier you can start them on trying new things the more it will help them later.
And if this list makes you worried you’re not doing it right [which is the total OPPOSITE of my intention here!] take a deep breath. Let me let you in on a little secret; I literally ask myself these two questions every day: are my kids kind? Are my kids happy? If I can answer yes, if I am raising two kind and two happy humans... then I am doing my job.
Go easy on yourselves, mamas. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing.
Nina Bradley Clarke has had a 15-year career in television news, and is an Emmy-award winning journalist. Her most recent job in TV was as an Executive Producer at the Fox News Channel. Before joining MSNBC and NBC News in 2002, she worked her way up the producing ranks in local news first at WTNH/ABC 8 in Connecticut, followed by WHDH/NBC 7 in Boston. Nina is currently the founder and host of “Nina’s Got Good News” Podcast available on all platforms, as well as a lifestyle blogger and influencer. Nina lives in Connecticut with her husband and two children.